Saturday, March 1, 2014

Christian Journey Letter

I know it's been a little while since my last post but I thought that I needed to share some more info.

My name is fully changed at this point and I sent my information for gender marker change to Topeka for approval, then I can go get my new driver's license. Social security has changed my name but I was told that my gender marker can't be changed until after I've completed transition and had the surgery. I think this info is false, but I'm just not sure, or even sure how to change it. All good things come to those who wait. I'll just have to be patient in this.

Recently I had to send a letter to a friend of mine at the church I used to go to. Through the grapevine he heard about me and was very persistent about stopping me from continuing my journey. Claiming that it would lead to death and that I would not be able to fulfill God's creation by not being able to procreate. I already have a son. I plan on no more. My work there is done. What I did tell him, as you will see in the following letter, is that I know, deep down inside, that I'm on the correct path for my life. I've prayed my whole life to be shown the correct path for me, now it's coming true. By no means is this a full and complete autobiography, this is just a short 6 page summary of my life up to this point. There is greater detail that can be said, but I can save that for a book and really elaborate on everything. The way I had to speak to him was in a way he could understand. Always been raised in the church, Liberty University for studies, and now a church staff member, he is on the path God has chosen for him.

I believe, with every fiber of my being, that what I'm doing is right and that God has way more in store for me than I can possibly even imagine. That's actually what he has planned for each of us, if we just believe. If you want to truly know what this means, please contact me further and I'll help lead you in the correct direction. Thank you so much for reading this letter and I hope you can get a better picture of me. I also, sometime in the future, would love to speak to churches, schools, colleges, business, or anybody else who would love to hear about my journey and why I'm doing this, along with my Christian perspective. The world truly needs to know that we are still human.

     I know that you are concerned, worried, upset, frustrated, confused, and sad. I will do my best in this email, hopefully not a book, to answer each and every one of those issues, and then some.

Let me tell you about my life. When I was 2-4 years old, I started having feelings I could not explain. I felt different, in so many ways, from everybody else. I grew up knowing I was different but I could never explain or figure out why. I found Jesus at around 8 years old. I fully knew about trusting him and what that meant for my life and why. I was baptized in a local church, along with my brother 2 years younger, and my sister, 4 years younger. We all fully knew what we were doing and understood everything about it.

All through my childhood, I tried to just be what I thought was normal and tried to just blend in, but I couldn't. Frustrated with life, I persevered. Being brought up in a good Christian home was very good. Church, every Sunday, is a staple in my life. Elementary school was alright. I had my fair share of problems, mainly cause I was too smart and different. I got things done pretty much faster than everybody else so I got bored easily. Middle school was even worse. I was made fun of and ridiculed. As a result, I had very few friends. Nobody I could turn to for guidance, besides Jesus. Everybody desires to be wanted and loved, I had none of that. I knew God loved me and that's what counts the most. That got me through some difficult times.

High school was also very rough, sometimes more so than middle school. The ridicule and others jokes and fun, at my expense, didn't end. I could never fit in and still had very few friends. I just focused on my music and tried keeping on with life, still knowing I was different but could never put my finger on why. I knew how I felt, which was an outcast and an outsider. It sure isn't easy carrying the burden of knowing how different I felt from everybody else. Still, my trust and faith in Jesus grew, as did my depression and self hate.

After high school, I carried on with life, working a couple of jobs and trying to fit in. Got married in 2002 and moved to North Carolina to start a new life. I thought things would be different, but the feelings grew. There was nothing I could do about it. My faith in Jesus grew stronger also as I got more involved in the church there. I had to try and carry on with life and try to be the best person I could possibly be, all the while I was growing more and more depressed. This part of my life, something I could never explain, kept creeping back in, even though I tried to have it escape my mind. I prayed about it and trusted in God to help me solve this problem I had.

Instead of banishing the thoughts from my mind, He in turn, gave me the keys and the ability to start unlocking why I had all of these feelings. From that point on, roughly 2004, I started the research into the difficulties I've had for my entire life. Nobody but me, knew of anything. My son was born in 2004 and I thought that having him in my life would help change my feelings that I had, but it didn't. I still was seeking God's will and He, in turn, kept showing me what I needed to see in my research. The answers kept coming to me. After the marriage fell apart in 2008, not due to any of this in the least bit, I started to focus on my so called “problem” and try to figure out more about it. Prayer, faithfulness on my end, truth, and love still did not save the marriage. I had done everything I knew how to do, but it still was not enough. Even counseling sessions didn't help.

Finally, I came to the realization that God had made me the way I am, all of these thoughts and feelings included. It was also very clear that I was this way for a reason. Living by myself gave me the opportunity for more research and evaluation. God had a plan for my life and he was showing me every single day what that plan truly was, I just didn't understand it at the time. My depression also grew greatly during this time. Not only the loss of companionship, but the fear of what I was dealing with grew too. I began to hate myself greatly. Not liking the person I saw in the mirror was a very big part of this. For some strange reason, the person I saw was not the true me. There was somebody hiding behind the face I saw in the mirror. I asked God to help me and he showed me what I needed to know. All the information I needed was right there, I just had to find it. Once I did, I began to finally understand why I had these feelings.

I began speaking with a few people during my online music DJ days, and through those relationships, I began exploring more about my strange feelings. Talking to them gave me an outlet to voice things to and to also hear ideas and other thoughts. I had created a person in the virtual world, thinking it was to be a model of the perfect person that I could see myself being with. After much thought, deliberation, prayer, and help from my support system around me, it soon became clear that the person I had created was the person that I was, deep down inside. At that moment, the light bulb came on and life had a whole new meaning for me. Through the help of my closest friends around me, both in the real world, and people online that I dearly trusted, and most of all, God, I saw my true direction in life.

I kept working doing construction and just trying to live life, still knowing my new direction but I knew I couldn't talk to anybody about any of it because it was so foreign. More research online led me to groups of people who explained the way they felt and every time I saw or read something, it was like I had wrote it myself. Every thought or feeling the other person conveyed was a carbon copy of exactly what I had always felt my whole life. I finally knew I wasn't alone. I now knew that my life was about to become radically different in so many great ways, and thus began my incredible journey.

I became aware of myself and starting the very beginnings of discovering what these feelings meant as early as 2000. The light bulb finally came on in late 2008. The feelings meant that my self hatred and depression was very well founded. I didn't do much with this knowledge, but just exist, for a few years. I knew why I was this way, now I just needed to find out how to get help on this. I started seeking God in true earnest and all he did was keep opening doors for me and answering my prayers. It was at that point that I was without a doubt that this was his plan for me. My prayers were being answered.

I moved back home to Kansas City in early 2010 and was then faced with the difficult task of talking to my family about who I was. At times I hated who I was and my life so much that I wanted to end my life, but I could see God's hand in every aspect of my being and came to the conclusion that doing that was not the answer. My faith in Him made sure I would never do that. Though, early in, I entertained the thought on occasion that it would have been better for me to be singing with him in Heaven, than be here on Earth dealing with these feelings and problems. I finally got to the point where I could just let go and embrace who I was, instead of fighting it. It was time to love myself. I also learned I wasn't alone, in any of these feelings.

I met a truly wonderful woman named Tracie in December of 2011 and after a few months into our relationship, I wanted to tell her about these thoughts and feelings, so I gathered up the courage and I did. I prayed about that for months before I told her and it came out beautifully. I ended up telling her before anybody else. She supported me in my decision. I trusted Tracie more than I did my own family. Being away from them for 8 years meant we didn't talk much and we wern't very close anymore. I had to get close to them again before I could tell them.

A few years ago, I stumbled across a website for a local therapist that I could go to, to talk about these feelings. I kept putting off making an appointment, mainly due to money issues. My lawn business had just started full time and I wasn't on my feet yet. Once again, God opened the door and He put me in contact with some great people and in turn, I took over another lawn company. As a result of that, my productivity doubled and so did my finances. I could finally stop putting off making that phone call to the therapist, all because of God's help and guidance and His will for my life.

Tracie assisted me in talking to my mom. At this point in my life, only Tracie and my mom knew about who I was and the way I felt. I decided to tell my sister. Surprisingly, she fully understood and supported me in anything I was doing. That is the mark of a true family. To stand by each other, even when they don't fully understand everything about each other. Not long after I told my sister, I made the phone call to the therapist. This was somebody who specializes in these feelings and thoughts. My life began to change for the better as my curiosity and depression cloud started to lift.

What are these thoughts and feelings called? Well, the term is known as Transgender. It basically means that I do not identify with the body I was born into and that I identify more with the opposite gender. I know that's hard to understand, it took a little bit for me to understand that also, but when I did, everything finally made sense. God had brought me to this place in my life. Someplace I had struggled to get to for a very long time. I could not deny all of the feelings and thoughts I had since I was a baby. God knew me before I was born. He chose to make me this way.

What does all of this mean? In a nutshell, it means that I'm on an incredible journey that will help me to become the person I always should have been, from birth. Do I expect everybody to understand this? No. That would be like asking water to flow backwards up the river, not going to happen. There will be many that don't understand how or why I could do this or be this way. My faith has brought me thus far and it will continue to carry me farther. These thoughts and feelings mean that I have always deep down felt like a woman, no matter how hard I've tried to hide it. I started growing my hair out in late 2009, and not because I was trying to be rebellious. My exwife never liked my hair long but I did. Once I could be myself, then I let it grow, which became a great help in how others view me on my journey. I didn't have to wait for it to grow, it was already there.

Most people will ask why did I chose to do this. My simple rely is that yes, this is a choice, but not the choice your thinking of. The choice is not weather or not I should or should not do this, but it's actually the choice to live when I could have easily chosen to die. Sadly, 40-50% of transgender people do kill themselves. The reasons for this can vary from person to person. For some, they simply cannot afford the financial aspect of transition, some deal with stress and pain from their families, friends and social circles. Some look at this as a nice goal but think that they will never be able to achieve it. More and more reasons are out there but the end result is that in turn, they keep in their downward spiral of depression and sadness, eventually lose contact with everybody and every thing, then death is their only option that they see fit to help them end the sadness, and then they take their life. I have chosen not to become one of those people. I'm embracing who I am because God made me this way. So the choice is simple, to live, or to die. I've chosen to live. It's also possible to be dead but be perfectly alive. This means that you feel your life has no value or merit. Depression and self hate drive your every move and your just a stone's throw away from death.

God has also shown me that I need to reach out to these people who are hurting and on the downward spiral to help them before they take the ultimate move. Every door has been opened, by Him, to do this. I feel it's my calling in life to reach out to others who are struggling and show them that God's love overcomes all, and yes, you can be born this way and still serve the Kingdom of God and be a child of His.

My faith and walk with God is much stronger now than it ever has been. I see new direction in my life and new hope. My depression is pretty much wiped away. Made clean by my faith, and knowing I'm doing the right thing according to His plan for my life. My reason for living is to reach out to others with the gospel and help them to understand and embrace who they are and to start loving the person inside. Many, many years have been spent praying for this. God answers in mysterious and powerful ways.

Some would say that I'm still in the beginning stages of my transition, but things have come so easily and natural to me that I'm already considered full time. What does that mean? Simply that my voice, mannerisms, body, and mind reflect that of a female, all of the time. I now know this is a place I've needed to get to for my entire life. This also means that as of February 24th, my name and official documentation will reflect my true status in life. Why am I doing this? Because if I hadn't, I may have very well become one of those 40-50%, and I just couldn't do that. I was at death's door a couple of times. Comicly you could ask “why didn't you knock?”. To that I would respond that God kept me from doing that. In the midst of all my struggles, there He was, guiding me and showing me what I needed to know.

As a result of my transition and being more happy and self confident, my business has grown, much more so than I could have ever imagined. My friends and support group has grown also. I know people now that I could have never imagined meeting, even just a year ago. I have a sisterhood that loves me and we help each other through life.

Some would say that I'm going against the “church”. To that I say that I can't help how God created me. I love the fact that God created me this way. This, actually, is very much like what black people went through during the massive struggle they endured when many in the world, some churches included, didn't think that they were created in God's eyes. In fact, everybody was created in God's eyes. I see that now more than ever. Just as churches have changed and adapted to be more welcoming and loving to everybody during that whole struggle, I see churches changing now. As a church, who preaches the Word of God, we are supposed to not turn anybody away, no matter how bad we think they are, but instead be welcoming and loving, just as Jesus did for us. I see the church eventually changing to adapt, but the road will be long, laced with much struggle. Teaching people that Jesus is the true savior of this world is of paramount importance.

I will still carry on with my music and talents. I've even seen that blossom as well. I'm using it to reach groups of people that I could have only dreamed of when I first started teaching myself how to play any of my instruments. I'm able to impact people on a much broader scale, through a lawn and a song. I wish that I could have continued playing bass where I was, but I fully knew how the church felt about people like me, thus I could not continue. I love the church but the church doesn't love me.

You ask what you can to do help me stop this? There is nothing, nor would I ever want that. That would be taking away my right to live, and not only that, but to live a happy and fulfilling life serving my Lord and Savior. Some people like me, for one reason or another, have had to “detransition”, meaning they can't continue with their transition. Usually because they run out of money or a serious family issue. That is something I can never do. I have the will and determination to see this through and nothing can change that.

How has all of this affected my relationship with my son? That part, as of yet, is still unknown, as I've not had the opportunity to speak with him or my exwife about me. Very shortly this will happen and my son has faith in me and will carry on a great loving relationship with me. Many people have gone through this and children don't seem to mind one bit. He will handle it well. He has always been known to adapt to certain things. Truly a great kid and much smarter than I ever thought possible.

Some people would say that being Transgender has to do with sexuality, it does not at all. Sexuality is how you feel your attracted to the same or opposite sex. Transgender has has everything to do with how you view your own gender. Not in the fact of how you view others, but how you view your own gender in regards to what gender you feel you truly are and then take the road of transition, through one form or another, to become the person they are inside. My entire life I've felt and believed I was female. Now this is actually true.

Good responses take time, this just needed some explanation. My hope through all of this is that you understand more about me and to know that I have never wavered away from God and that I've trusted Jesus all along.

Tracie and I are no longer together as a couple, mainly due to the fact of my transition. She is curious though and wants to meet others like me so she can be educated and have a greater understanding of my struggles and what it's like to be the way I am, which is not a bad thing. That is very noble of her.

I'm always here for any questions you have or just to talk. This is such a new concept for many people that human nature is to hate what we don't know or understand. This should not be the case when it comes to this. I am, in fact, not harming my body in any way. I'm on a natural progression through my life and I'm enjoying every step. Knowing somebody's story and history helps you to lessen your hate for the unknown due to not understanding. I'm so very excited about the changes coming my way, not only with my body, but with my life. I plan to eventually use my story and experiences in life to speak publicly at events to help educate people about the transgender community and also how my faith has gotten me through when I could have just given up.

I believe and trust in the same God you do, I always have. Be strong in the Lord, and He will give you strength. Seek Ye first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you.

I hope this will answer your questions. As strange as this sounds, in no way is this a fleshly desire. All of this is brought about by God. I choose to do his will in my life. There is no point in serving him if I can't be happy. I can't bring people to Jesus if I'm unhappy with my life. Serving him brings me so much joy, as does my incredible journey because I know that I'm able to serve him more effectively and reach people who may not otherwise hear the gospel. I cherish every moment of my life now because I'm so happy. How do I know for sure this is not a worldly pleasure? Because I have prayed my whole life about this and God has always shown me the true way for me. This is it.

I trust in your confidentiality in this matter. If you need to speak to somebody about me, which shouldn't happen in the first place because I don't go talking about people behind their backs, so unchristian like, then I would like to be asked for permission to do so. I'm still the same person I always have been and that will never change. I just look, sound, and act a little different than what people remember. My sense of humor has increased greatly along with being hyper aware of my surroundings. I see and hear things most people can't and am always vigilant of what's going on around me. I'm much more clam now and less prone to being frustrated with things like I was before. I had a very short fuse, that is no more. I've become more relaxed in life and I don't let people or situations get to me. The new person that I already am, and becoming, is incredible. I do not take my life for granted and I live every moment like it's my last.

I'm here if you need to talk. Thank you for reading this and I hope you will understand more now and be less confused. I'm not against you or anybody else. The Bible has taught me how to love everybody and I do just that, I always have and always will. Have a blessed day and know that I'm a very proud child of God.

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